24 September 2019

thoughts and reflections on life and moving on

I haven't been posting too much on the blog since my husband died in March.

This Saturday is the big 6 months bugbear. Still hard to believe he is gone six months. The world seems a little bit paler without his presence to fill it.
Part of me, keeps thinking he is just away and will come in and knock on the door frame to alert me he is there. He always walked as soft as a cat, so at times he scared the bejesus out of me because I didn't know I wasn't alone. He knew I would often be wrapped up in writing, so he would alert me of his presence. I just keep anticipating that knock. I recall when he was trying to prepare me for things I would need to know--and I was not listening. I didn't want to calmly go over things I would handle went he would be absent. He kept pressing, and I broke down crying...and laughing...saying it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't last six months without him. Not being dramatic in saying that, but I figured everything would be just too much for me. Knock wood, I am going to breeze past that goal. Not easy --we all know. But I am moving ahead, discovering the limits and boundaries of my new life. It's not a life I envisioned. Being the widow was not one of the hats I anticipated wearing. But life often isn't as you wish it would be. Rather, we must find the moments that tells you life is worth living. Today I had my hair trimmed--last time was just before he grew ill. And I got to go for a walk on the square, first time since they called and said he needed to get into the Cancer treatment asap. Did a half mile; not a bad start. And I paused to enjoy the first day of Autumn. So, in keeping with getting my feet under me, I am going to the dentist Thursday to deal with the teeth I cracked when I fell after he died. I made eye appointment. Go in for yearly blood work the following week, and after that the yearly health check with Dr. Abby. And, fun fun, got a new laptop to get back to writing. I worry too much, but then I always did. But I am surviving. Six months and counting...

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